To Heal or Not to Heal

Do I Really Want God to Heal Me?

09/05/2010

Our pastor read the section in John 5 where Jesus heals a man who had been crippled for 38 years. Before Jesus healed him, however, he asked the man if he wanted to be healed. When I heard that, I thought, “Maybe I need to answer that question myself.” As Eric and I discuss possible answers for my dilemma, I cannot find one that appeals to me. Eric is particularly excited about putting in a VAD (mechanical pump to assist the heart). He thinks about having me feeling better and able to participate in things again such as going hiking, taking long bike rides, etc. I think about having tubes running out of my body and wearing a vest with pockets for the batteries that run the machine. Is it worth the cost? Am I willing to put up with that? He thinks it is a small price to pay. I’m not so sure.

Right now I don’t know if I want to do anything. I am actually okay with dying. So, at the moment the answer is no, I don’t want to be healed. Or maybe it’s just that death really is healing. Transplants, machines, etc. aren’t. They are only a delay in the inevitable. Am I depressed? Perhaps. Mostly just tired. Tired of fighting, tired of keeping on keeping on. Tired of one day at a time. God can end all that. I think of all the things that would change if I died and nothing seems big enough to keep me here. But, does God want me here? How do I know when God is saying it’s okay to stop, that my work is done? Am I obligated to pursue all treatments available with the assumption that it is God’s will to at least try? I don’t know. And all these questions hurt my brain.

Do I want to be healed? Well, define healed...